Sucking the joy…

It doesn’t matter how smart you are. It doesn’t matter how talented you are. Nor does it matter what skills you have, where you were born or which family you come from. One of the most important things in life is the people that you choose to surround yourself with.

You’d probably describe the majority of your friends as kind, trustworthy and supportive people who make you feel happy. But if you’re anything like the rest of us, you’ll also have a few that you also call friend, but they actually make you feel something completely different.

You can’t necessarily spell out why, but somehow you always come away from spending time in their company feeling anxious, uncomfortable, paranoid or as if you’ve given a lot of yourself and they’ve given nothing in return.

These people literally suck the joy right out of you.

Your inner circle should consist of people who share the same or similar goals to you. Better yet you should surround yourself with people who have already achieved what you are trying to do. These people will inspire you, and likewise you will be an inspiration to them. Win win right?

Time stealers, emotional vampires and control freaks will never inspire you.  They will live up to their names. They will steal your time. They will drain you emotionally. They will control you to the nth degree. They will leave you with nothing to give yourself, or anyone else for that matter.

None of us can afford to be naïve about relationships. Some people are positive and mood elevating. Others can suck optimism and serenity right out of you. Vampires do more than drain your physical energy. The super-malignant ones can go a long way to making you believe that you’re an unworthy, unlovable wretch who doesn’t deserve better. The subtler species inflict damage by making smaller digs which can make you feel bad about yourself— “You’ve put on a few pounds” or “You’re being over sensitive” Regardless of which camp they sit in they’ve managed to push the button on your shaky self-worth. Not a win win right?

It’s always good to evaluate the people you spend time with. According to Jim Rohn, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”  Worth some thought that little bit of maths…

Dealing with it.

Random conversation on the train out west with a work colleague the other week. He was venting about someone that had disappointed him recently. And it got me thinking…

Dealing with disappointment isn’t easy. However we can’t avoid it. All of us will suffer from disappointment at some point. And more than just once in our life time. 

Disappointment is different to anger. Really, it’s sadness. We don’t often call it that, but that’s how our brain feels. It feels sad. And let down. And frustrated. And that kind of exasperation is what we call “feeling disappointed”.

However, all too often, disappointment can turn into a distraction.

The sadness you feel can affect you in different ways – it can make you ambivalent or wildly irrational — two opposing ends of the emotional spectrum.  Regardless of the feeling the net result is that Instead of focusing on the things you need to do in order to be a success, you obsess on the nightmare scenario that is playing out right in front of you.

There’s no magic formula for curing sadness.  Sometimes you just have to feel sad until you don’t feel sad anymore. But along the way you can help yourself.

Stop denying you’re in a funk. It happens to all of us. Therefore it does no good to pretend you’re any different to anyone else. Especially when you’re disappointed. Realising the emotional state that you are in right now is the beginning of a healing process.

Keep moving your feet forward.  You have things to do.  So get on and do them.  Look at your task list and see what you need to do. Despite how you’re feeling, the best way to take your mind off your situation is to get busy and do stuff.

Go ahead and hit something. Vent. Shout. Rant. Physical activity is a great way to release the sadness and pent up frustration that you’re feeling right now. So go and do something. Walk somewhere. Run anywhere. Hit something. Don’t leave your emotions to boil inside you. That will make you weaker.

Move on when it’s time to move on. You can’t (and shouldn’t) be disappointed forever. The faster you heal, the more time you have to focus on the best parts of your life. So don’t dwell on the nasty side of personal experiences. When it’s time to let things go, then let them go.

Sadness is a part of life. It can be a healthy part of life if you can learn from it and you can become stronger in the process. When you are hurting, no amount of explanation can heal the sadness you feel. In spite of your worry and frustration, the only real antidote to disappointment is to know how to heal.

Don’t avoid it. That is only lying to yourself. But remind yourself that sometimes when you’re feeling pain that you will, eventually, feel better.

And you will. Just keep moving towards where you want to be.

One foot in front of the other.

Left. Right. Left. Right.

And repeat.

I am not a chicken farmer.

We’ve all had those moments where we’ve ended up walking on eggshells at work.

Which is to be expected if you’re a chicken farmer.

(I’m not.)

It’s amazing how quickly the best of moods can be soured by just a few minutes in the presence of a what I commonly refer to as a *stress monkey*. Their agitated movements, impatient glances and acrid responses can be like nails on a chalkboard. Even worse is when their anxiety and irritation gets under our skin, rapidly setting the tone for how we then feel and react to others. Instead of offering welcoming smiles, we become the ones giving dirty looks.

Working with people like this is emotionally draining. However it’s really difficult not to absorb their tension. You try and help. They don’t want your help. You try to be cheerful and create a positive distraction. They get a face on and drag the mood down even further. Impossible.

A stressed person is like a loose cannon. You don’t actually know what’s going to set them off. Each word you utter is emitted with great caution, and then you wait with baited breath for a response.

In basic terms, the other person’s stress spreads like second-hand smoke: It becomes your problem because you’re there.

This might seem counterintuitive: You would think that being once removed from the source of stress would help to blunt its harshest effects. But second-hand stress is often just as corrosive, since you’re powerless to deal with it directly. With first-hand stress, after all, you can act – confront the issue, try and find a solution, count to ten etc. With second-hand stress, often you can’t do much more than just stand there and take it on the chin.

How to deal with it? I’m not sure there is a magic cure. Mantra-like repetition of “it’s not personal” does on occasion help me… (Joke!)

It pays dividends to remember that the *perpetrator* of the second-hand stress is beyond your control, however your response to their stress is something within your control.

Being pragmatic for a second there are two obvious options to resolving a situation like this: Change the atmosphere or to simply remove yourself from the situation.

“Kill them with kindness Bucky” are words on occasion uttered at me by my OH. And he’s right – it flipping works. React with compassion rather than irritation or aggression. Remember that your own tetchy feelings derive from theirs. Treating them to a smile and a kind word may just have the desired effect.  However even if it doesn’t it will help you to distance yourself from their stress, and to also be kind to yourself.

Alternatively get some physical distance from the situation. Allow that stressed person to have some cave time. They most probably need a bit of mental breathing space.

Be mindful you won’t always be able to put a positive shine on a situation or issue and you won’t always be able / want to be out of the presence of a stressful person or situation. At times like this you need to prepare yourself mentally and be ready to remain positive and to not allow the other person’s outlook to colour yours.

Regardless of which option you choose you must be cognisant of what you can and cannot change.

Over and above this you might need to be prepared to talk honestly: Stop trying to protect and comfort someone who is a source of stress when this sends your own stress levels soaring to defcon three. Sometimes you’ll need to tell it like it is, as it’s quite possible the person bringing the stress home from work or spreading it around at work, doesn’t even realise the impact that they are having.

Finally – and in all seriousness – remember that it’s not personal. Not everything is all about you.

There’s no i in team…

I make no bones of the fact I’m a bit of a petrol head. Have been since I was a nipper. And the F1 circus is, on occasion, a guilty pleasure.

Truth be told there were years that it bored me senseless. A procession of cars from start to finish, with zero excitement in between. Not so much these days. Today’s TV coverage now gets so close to the action it really does give you inside skinny on some of the politics, game play and posturing that goes on. Love it, love it, love it.

(Don’t worry kids. I still do heels, eyeliner, lip gloss and stuff. Everything in equal balance right?)

Anyway, it’s with interest I’ve watched the reaction to what took place in Malaysia last Sunday play out in the media this week.

For those not au fait with the on track shenanigans: Sebastian Vettel was running second to team-mate Mark Webber with 10 laps remaining when Red Bull’s team principal, Christian Horner, instructed both men to hold their positions. Vettel ignored the command and went on to win for the 27th time. Webber was not a happy man. See above picture if proof is required of the level of unhappiness.

The media has made much of this, wildly throwing around opinions, views and insight from all manner of F1 orientated aficionados and pundits. If you are to believe everything the critics say then as a result of what has been labelled by some as ‘maverick behaviour’ it would appear that one ego is hanging by a thread, whilst the other is being publicly maligned.

This *incident* has also raised many questions; Should team orders have been given? Should Vettel have ignored the order? Should Webber now leave the Red Bull Team? I have a question too. It’s a simple one: If you are Mark Webber how do you come back from something this? Can the relationship between Vettel and Webber actually be rescued or has this pushed it a long way past its sell by date?

At its core F1 is both a team sport and a sport for individuals. Indeed there are two World Championships: one for the drivers and one for the constructors. The Drivers’ World Championship is important to the drivers and tends to be prioritised by the fans and the media; but it is the Constructors’ World Championship that dictates the £££ return for a team, ergo its really rather important to them. Thus, it is logical and acceptable that a team be allowed to protect its investment by deciding their on-track strategies.

This means orders get given, and they are given for a sound reason. What is of key importance here is the level of trust and respect between the team members. A driver who disregards team orders is  castigated because he is, in effect, betraying the team and creating mistrust within the organisation.

Since Sunday Vettel has publicly apologised for his behaviour. Additionally, Horner has gone on record saying that Vettel’s tactic was not acceptable and that the team just need to put it behind them and move on.

Great. Job done, right?

Maybe. Maybe not. Think about it logically – put your Mark Webber hat on for a second – even he and Vettel sit down and discuss what happened it is not going to change the outcome. It is still in their minds what has happened. It does not simply go away.

An obvious counter to that view would be that they both participate in a sport that is by its very nature competitive. They are not bosom buddies. They are not friends. They are racing drivers. So surely it is naïve to expect competitive spirit to conform to a direct order?

At the end of the day there are a lot of views and opinions that are being tossed about. None are right, and none are wrong. They are opinions, and are valid to the individual proffering them after all.

Whatever happens I think it will be interesting to watch how this plays out. I truly hope that whichever way it goes that Webber acts with integrity. And that maybe, just maybe, he acts on some words from Oscar Wilde: “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”

The disease to please.

I took one for the team today.

Actually I did the same yesterday too.

In fact I’ve been doing a lot of it recently. Largely because I have a real issue saying “no” to people. The word “yes” seems to fall from my lips far too readily.

To me it feels really good to be the go-to girl: the one that everyone comes to for a solution to their problems. Huzzah. I’m worth my weight in gold.  (That’s a lot of gold btw.)

Well, ermm, no. Not really. The reality is that if I allow every request to divert my attention away from the important stuff, there’s a distinct likelihood that a lot of people will end up frustrated. Me included.

By adding yet another task to an already overflowing / full to the brim / rammed to the rafters style to-do list I’m creating a situation that can only end badly. By committing to work that I simply can’t accomplish on quality or on time I run the risk of jeopardising my credibility in the business. I become a bottleneck. Oh yeah – and I’ll stress myself out to boot – not to mention the stress I cause to the people I work with.

The logical solution would be for me to say “no”, right? No. Well, yes. But think about the word “no” for a second – it’s such a little word, but such a big one too.

You can say “no” with respect, you can say “no” promptly and you can say “no” and head the task off to someone who might say “yes”. The problem is that most of the time it’s far easier to say “yes”.

But just saying “yes”, because I can’t bear the short-term pain of saying “no”, isn’t going to help me get the job done.

Saying “no” gives me room to manoeuvre. It means that I have the option to say “yes” to the more important stuff that comes along. And I’d rather have room to manoeuvre and some options (baby).

Time for a change me thinks.

It’s become abundantly clear to me that I’ve spent a long time finessing this reputation of mine for always jumping into the fray and sorting out everyone else’s stuff.  I know there are a few people who won’t like my new approach. However by practicing the word “no” on people – only when it’s necessary, not all time mind – I’ll end up making more people happy. Including me.

A four letter word…

Growing up I was often told, “You care too much about what other people think.”

Variations on this theme included: So what if they’re talking about you. Who cares what they think? They’re an idiot; why would you even care about them? You’re your own person; why do you care about what they are doing?

I had always associated the word “care” with stress, because in all of these instances, caring meant feeling bad. It meant being overly worried about someone’s opinion of me, or feeling for someone who didn’t feel for me, or thinking that someone was somehow better than me.

At the back of my mind I always wondered what kind of person I would be if I didn’t care. However that thought process always got shooed away very quickly as I believed that not caring would be a limiting choice.

I suddenly realised that the trick isn’t to stop caring. Instead it is to recognise how and why we care. Sometimes we care with love; sometimes we care with fear. Sometimes we care with self-respect; sometimes we care with self-contempt. Sometimes we care with a sense of possibility; sometimes we care with fears of inferiority.

The important thing is that not to let caring about people or circumstances detract from our ability to care for ourselves.

A friend of mine told me recently that she’s decided that she is going to stop giving a hoot (aka caring) about what people expect of her. She was going to stop stressing about how well she met other people’s expectations. She essentially decided to stop worrying about things outside of her control, and focus instead on all the things that were within her power.  That is what I believe it means to truly care for yourself.

We should all do well to remember what Mrs Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Mountains and molehills…

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” Confucius.

Simplicity is sometimes elusive, but almost always present.  Sometimes you just need to know where or how to look for it.

The most important thing I’ve learned about simplicity is that it always wins in the long run.  Simple is stickier than complexity. It survives.

Stuff didn’t feel that simple last month.  It all felt a bit too much; too many things to think about; too little time to do it all in; too many emotions flying here, there and everywhere; too many demands; too many people to keep happy.

By the end of January I was worn out. I wasn’t acting with any control, purpose or intent. Things were getting done by the seat of my pants truth be told.

(Which for the record isn’t sustainable. Or particularly enjoyable.)

Time to press the pause button and have a think. So I cogitated a bit. I ruminated a lot. I stared at my belly button fluff for a while too. I then wrote myself a list. I’m a girl. I do lists:

• Prioritise the important stuff, and recognise what’s not.
• Put everything in one place. Have a single view of the demands being placed on me.
• Think about what’s working and what isn’t. Be realistic about what I can change.
• Be pragmatic. Repeat after me Bucks: BE KIND TO YOURSELF!
• Ditch the huge, lofty goals. Break things down into small, manageable steps.
• Focus on achievements – the stuff that gets done – not what falls by the way side.
• Smile more.  Be me. Have some fun…

When things all seem a bit huge / complex / O.M.F.G. I get my *bunny in the headlights* face on – startled is the look du jour – and I totally forget to keep it simple.

I am responsible for making what matters to me happen, day-to-day, in the face of competing demands. No one else is going to do it for me. It’s logical really isn’t it? No one else is going to step up, grasp the bull by the horns and tell me when to clock off from work, head to the gym, have a glass of wine with my best mate, or head home to hang out with the boyfriend are they?

Take that logic a bit further for a second. It also makes perfect sense to me that if I put everything in one place then I’m guaranteed to make my day-to-day decisions based on a complete picture of my commitments – work, personal and social.

If someone wants some Mel time I will think twice before saying “yes.” Is it urgent? What else is planned? If there’s a clash, can I do another time instead? Sometimes the answer will be to agree to what they are asking and I’ll move something else. Other times, an alternate option will work for everyone.

The point is that these decisions are intentional. And my life feels more manageable. Simplicity reigns supreme. I no longer make everyday choices using an incomplete picture of what I have to accomplish at work, and in my personal life. I’ve removed the complexity.

Mr. da Vinci – Leo to his mates – said “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” And I for ones think he was bang on the money.