Cruise Control.

Every now and again I have a bit of a random light bulb moment (ergo why this blog is called what it’s called… Natch.)  For the record my Pops would call it a *brain fart*.  Whatever name you know it by its still same experience; a sudden realisation that things are not as they could, or should, be.  These epiphanies are usually accompanied by me gazing sagely into the middle distance and muttering “A-ha” a là Alan Partridge.

These moments of clarity don’t happen very often.  There isn’t a timetable for them, more’s the pity.  However, last week when reflecting on some stuff that’s been going on I came to the conclusion that I’ve been coasting – foot majorly off the proverbial gas pedal – cruise control switched to on.  Personally, socially, with family and at work I’ve not been making enough effort and I’ve just been going with the flow.  I’ve allowed myself to get sucked into situations that I shouldn’t have given more than a cursory glance, I’ve given issues a priority that they don’t deserve, and I’ve stuck my fingers in my ears and gone “La la la la la la la” when I should have been listening to my gut instinct and demanding that things change.

I forget sometimes that I am 39 years old.  Actually that’s a whopping great big fib.  I avoid the fact, I don’t forget about it.  Largely this is because I am fast heading towards the BIG four-oh – that’s a very scary number and a whole new age bracket when filling out forms and stuff – makes me shudder just thinking about it.  In my head I still think I am a twenty two year old with no wrinkles, hang ups or cellulite, with legs that are good enough to wear dead short skirts when the mood takes me.  (Hate to have to break it to you Mel – that’ll be a resounding no on the whole *youth* thing – especially on the dead short skirts bit too – sorry love the legs just arent up to it these days.)

Whilst I mentor / goad and nag other people about their plans, careers etc., and urge them repeatedly to “Crack on with the job at hand”, it suddenly occurred that I haven’t been dedicating any energy to looking after me, my own welfare or my personal well-being.  I’ve been revisiting my plan on a regular basis and ticking stuff off as I go, but not making any in-roads with the next steps.  Rubbish huh?

The cold hard fact of life here is that I’m not getting any younger.  I’ve still got shed loads of stuff that I want to do. Plus I’ve also got some pipe dreams that I need to explore a bit further before I disregard them as the totally ludicrous ideas that I’m sure they are.  (Realistically I’m thinking a career as vet might be off the agenda now.  *Sigh* It was my dream job when I was 12 years old.)

Therefore I made a decision last week; I’m going to start putting myself first.  I can’t be all things to all people, nobody can. Therefore I am going desist and focus on my priorities. Some people will still get the attention they deserve – just not everyone.  I am, after all, the most important person in my life so why should I take up a spot at the back of the queue?

2 thoughts on “Cruise Control.

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