I split up with my first *proper* boyfriend at the tender age of nineteen. We’d dated for a year and when it happened I thought my world had stopped turning. I thought that getting my heart broken was a big deal, a unique sort of pain that could never be replicated. But then it happened again. And again. And again. In my twenties I realised that I should probably get used to it, to being let down, disappointed and sad every so often.
The most painful of moments, and indeed the most joyful of moments, all recur at some point or another. Besides, being broken isn’t such a bad thing to be. After all, broken things heal.
I thought leaving my first *proper* job was a huge deal. I’d progressed so far and I was really frightened of leaving something I’d invested in so heavily, with my mind, my emotions and my time. Even though I was beginning to hate it – leaving felt like the only solution – I felt paralysed at the very thought of resigning. I felt totally trapped. I would lie wide-awake in my bed at night thinking that I couldn’t stay, but I couldn’t go. I did this for months.
But then I sat down with my boss and told her how I felt and we both decided I couldn’t be miserable anymore. I said goodbye, I floundered for a bit and then I found a new job where I didn’t need to be miserable. Leaving is sometimes easier than we expect it to be.
Sometimes the smallest things seem like a massive deal – someone standing too close to me on the tube, cooking a meal from scratch and it not going quite to plan, a project that seems too complex to get to grips with or a phone call from someone I really don’t want to talk to. And I know that I’m not alone in feeling like this.
I’ve been putting off doing something for a couple of days because it feels like a big deal. In my head I’ve made it into something much bigger than it actually is, however I know that it’s not a big deal. It’s just something that I need to do. Full on avoidance tic-tacs are currently being doled out, when in actual fact I should man up and deal with it.
In the past these feelings have crippled me for hours, days, even weeks. And yet here I am, mostly intact, healed from whatever’s broken me in the past. All the worries I’ve had were extraneous, the anxiety was fleeting and the emotions were transient. The important thing to remember is that I am actually ok. Everything’s actually ok. We’re all actually ok. If that’s not a big deal, then I don’t know what is.